One morning following a chemotherapy infusion, I woke totally exhausted. Although I had experienced mild to moderate levels of fatigue in the past, this was new. I had cup of chai, a small bowl of cereal and went back to bed. Waking hours later, I took a shower, thinking that would help. It did not. I spoke by phone with an oncology nurse who assured me this was common and would improve with time. I moved to the couch.
I did not want to feel so tired and was struggling. I simply wanted to do normal activities like pick up a few groceries at the store or take a short afternoon walk. I watched my mind repeat over and over “I’m so tired.” I felt frustrated, sad and stuck in my reaction to feeling exhausted.
I soon found myself getting tired of my reaction to feeling exhausted. I took a few slow, deep breaths, met my experience with compassion and remembered ‘Just like me, other people feel exhausted right now.’ These strategies are often my go-to practices when I don’t feel well. This brought some comfort. Then I began to reflect on three qualities of existence, as identified by Buddha. The first that came to mind was the fact that life is in a constant state of change. Everything is in transition. Nothing is fixed or solid. Even though my mind might have the tendency to become narrow and focus on sensations of exhaustion as if they will always be here, this is a misunderstanding. This body is more like a constantly flowing river, always in a state of change. Things are impermanent. This symptom is changing too and will continue to change. The future is unwritten.
The second quality is the unsatisfactory nature of life. I reminded myself that unpleasant, disagreeable things happen. There is no escaping this truth. Life constantly alternates between pleasant, unpleasant and neutral experiences. The human body is subject to illness, aging and dying. The body is subject to fatigue. And exhaustion. Regardless of my healthy lifestyle, I still got cancer. This is just the way it is. Life does not always go the way you want it to. It inevitably has ups and downs. I coached myself to stop the struggle. I’ve learned from experience, that stopping the struggle with what I find unpleasant helps decrease stress and supports a calmer mind. Stopping the struggle and accepting things as they are, is a huge step toward freedom. It does not mean giving up or being passive but rather making choices and taking actions from a place of stability and clarity. It means not letting an unpleasant experience be an obstacle to a feeling of ease and peace that remains available in the present moment.
Thirdly, I recalled that although I appear to be a separate, isolated individual sitting here in my living room feeling tired, a deeper examination reveals that I am a process, co-arising with all of nature. It is not possible to be separate from this larger life process. Each breath infuses this body with life in its constant state of creative arising, moment by moment. Where would I be without the trees giving off oxygen and without the earth, the rain and the sun, ceaselessly nourishing this body from the moment of birth. The cells of this body are continually replaced through this relationship with the four elements: air, earth, water and fire. This body, including fatigue, is nature and permeated with this ever-changing web of life. This view provided a larger mental and emotional space in which experience the exhaustion.
Contemplating these factors of existence, over and over, I found myself accepting the exhaustion and my human condition. This alone contributed to a shift toward greater ease. I viewed the physical sensations not as fixed and solid, but in flux, always changing. I could imagine the oxygen in my body dependent on the photosynthesis in leaves on trees and the water in my body not separate from the snow on the mountains. This helped my mind shift from a narrow focus on the sensations of exhaustion and the repetitive thought “I’m so tired” to a more open, spacious view and a feeling of greater acceptance and relaxation. I experienced periods of contentment and peace. I cannot control the secondary effects of the medications I receive. My power, freedom and peace lay in how I choose to respond. This is a constant challenge and learning process. I am thankful for the many wonderful teachers in my life who have shared practical tools for me to draw on.
Since this experience, I am much more accepting of fatigue, even when I feel exhausted. I struggle much less and often not at all. I rest when needed. Sometimes I feel sad that I cannot do as much as I once could and allow the sadness to arise and pass. I remind myself of the many blessings in my life and rest with gratitude.