During one particular course of treatment, I was hospitalized for a medication complication. Seen by three physicians, two were positive and optimistic that I would respond well to their plan and go home soon. The third, however, took a serious tone, used more alarming language and presented a distressing view of possible outcomes. He left me with the impression that I could decline further and possibly die from this complication. After he left the room, I cried. My treatment began Friday evening and my symptoms began to show initial signs of responding by Saturday. Can you guess which prognosis my mind grasped onto? As I lay in bed Saturday night, I reflected on death and considered who I might leave my favorite paintings to. Then I became mindful, calmly aware of the gloomy storyline in my head. I took a deep breath and hit the pause button. No one said death was imminent and two out of the three physicians were so positive, confident that my symptom would resolve and I would go home soon. Why was I giving all my attention to a negative story when I was starting to respond to treatment and received two very encouraging views of an outcome? It was time for a new story.
Once the mind has grasped onto a storyline, making a change is not always easy. The next step in my process was meeting this initial reaction with acceptance, understanding and compassion. I have learned, many times, that when I judge and criticize myself for a delf-defeating behavior, I only worsen my distress. In contrast, kindness and compassion help a lot. In addition, research suggests the mind is inclined to attend to threatening and negative information more than safe and positive information. This was once a life-saving adaptation, keeping our Stone Age ancestors attuned to the sights and sounds of dangerous predators and situations. In modern times, being highly attentive to pessimistic or frightening information at the expense of other possibilities can limit our ability to take in the whole picture and leave us off-balance. I found this research helpful, as it meant that when my mind began to spin a negative story, I didn’t have to take it personally. It was just a lingering habit of my Stone Age brain.
There are many strategies to manage distressing thoughts and emotions. One that I find helpful and used in this situation, is connecting with the available kindness. I recalled the kindness of the nurse taking care of me. As I took a breath in, I imagined receiving her kindness and care. I felt her kindness fill my heart and body. As I exhaled, I sent her my gratitude and kindness. I knew she was not alone on the floor and that there were a team of people making my stay and medical care possible. I imagined breathing in the kindness of the entire team and breathing out to them, my gratitude and kindness. Then I added people who inspire me, felt my heart warm and open, and continued to receive and send kindness. The group continued to grow. I included my husband, my entire medical team, friends and family. Breathing in their kindness, I imagined just as the oxygen was nourishing my cells, so too this limitless kindness nourished and brought comfort to my whole being. Finally, I reflected on the researchers all over the world and across time who have dedicated their lives to understanding and treating cancer. People whose names I will never know, who I will never meet, yet have made it possible for me to be here. I rested in an ocean of kindness and felt a greater ease. I continued to receive and rest in kindness and on the outbreath, sent out the wish “May all beings diagnosed with cancer experience kindness and ease. May all beings, everywhere experience kindness and ease.” This practice enabled me to relax and fall asleep. Without the ability to redirect my mind from a self-limiting, imaginary story of a negative future to the experience of the kindness that surrounded me in the present, I may have had a restless, if not sleepless, night.
The following day my symptom was much improved, all three physicians were thrilled with my progress and approved me for discharge to my home.
Note: I have been practicing some form of the above imagery for many years. The first time I tried kindness meditation, I felt nothing and then criticized myself for being so indifferent and unable to evoke feelings of kindness. I was highly effective at making myself more miserable with this self-judgment and criticism. I was desperate to develop more self-understanding and kindness and was open to anything, so I kept at it. This practice has since changed my life for the better. I share my experience with you, in case you have a similar first reaction. Don’t give up! If you are interested in more information, my favorite book on this topic is Awakening Through Love: Unveiling Your Deepest Goodness by John Makransky.