I thought I had fully forgiven someone when I experienced a flash of close heartedness at hearing of his recent good fortune. I could not be happy for him and my closed heartedness was rooted, in part, in a long-ago hurt. My comparing mind also played a role. I decided to go back to the forgiveness drawing board. It surprised me that I still held on to the pain of an event that occurred years ago. Having cancer has brought the importance of forgiveness into clearer view. I want to have a heart free of the burdens of past hurts and betrayals.
I have practiced forgiveness for many years through the meditative contemplation and repetition of forgiveness, compassion and kindness phrases. These practices have often been successful in deepening my understanding of someone else’s and my own pain, fear and behavior and contributing to opening my heart and the experience of forgiveness.
As these heart practices had not completed the job here, this situation called for something new. I wanted to shake things up, broaden my view. The first thought that came to my mind was Buddha’s instructions on speech:
There are five courses of speech that others my use when they address you. Their speech may be timely or untimely, true or untrue, gentle or harsh, connected with good or connected with harm, spoken with kindness or spoken with hate. Here you should train yourself thus: Our minds will remain unaffected. We shall utter no unskillful words. We shall abide in compassion for their welfare with a mind of loving kindness. We shall abide pervading that person with a mind of loving kindness.
In this situation, I experienced the person’s speech as harsh and harmful. Wow! My mind could remain unaffected? What a challenge! How could my mind remain unaffected? What disposition would be required? What perspective and understanding would be needed? It felt like a very tall order.
I recognized that this person’s statements were, no doubt, influenced by childhood conditions and present circumstances, as were my reaction to them. To shake things up, I experimented with coming up with other ways I could have responded. I pictured myself using reflective listening, repeating back what I heard and then simply saying “That won’t be necessary” and then changing the subject. I became more playful and imagined myself laughing and saying, “That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!” Or simply “Thanks for your perspective.” Although this exercise did not relinquish the lingering hurt I felt, it did make me smile. I experienced a feeling of spaciousness and an increase feeling of power. I could do something different. I saw more clearly how my own past conditioning and personal situation led to my reaction. I began to glimpse that if I had enough wisdom, my mind could remain unaffected. It was still a tall order.
A practice I find useful in these especially challenging situations, is to put myself in the other person’s shoes as best I can and attempt to see and feel the circumstance from his or her point of view. I put myself in his shoes and tried to get a sense of how he felt as he spoke the words I found so hurtful. The first thing I felt was a physical contraction of my body, muscle tension, a closing off, a shutting down. Then I felt emotional distress and fear. An unexpected experience of compassion infused the moment.
To remember and strengthen this window of compassion, I practice compassion meditation. What feels especially helpful is envisioning us both together and connecting with the felt sense of compassion in my heart, softly repeating “May we be free of suffering and the causes of suffering.” This diminishes a perception of separation between us and acknowledges our common humanity. We were both suffering and reacting from suffering. I could move toward envisioning us both free of this suffering, although my intention is to free my heart. I have no control over another’s.
As I recount this experience, a quote by Longfellow comes to mind: If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.
I appreciate forgiving someone who has caused a profound and deep hurt is complex and a process not to be rushed. Wounds need to be recognized, respected and compassionately met. They have their own timing when it comes to healing and some can take years of caring attention and sometimes professional support.