Having cancer can offer an opportunity to take stock of relationships and examine where there are opportunities for a fresh take and a different approach that could plant a seed of understanding and connection in a relationship that has been historically difficult. Can you envision having a contentious argument with someone and concluding, “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about and not worth my time.” I can! Based on one interaction, this otherwise complex and always changing human being gets put in a small box of concepts and conclusions, where he may remain for a lifetime. Unfortunately creating a limited, fixed view of someone and then relating only to our limited, fixed view is something we can do all too easily.
How do we begin to take a fresh attitude and new approach to a relationship that may have been stuck in a contentious, quarrelsome pattern for years? While still working as a physical therapist, a patient taught me a lot about how to open to new possibilities in such a situation. I had introduced her to key mindfulness concepts and mindful breathing. These concepts include resting the mind in the present moment while being willing to let go of preconceived ideas. It offers an invitation to “not know” and listen as if for the first time. During the time she saw me, her elderly mother, with whom she had a conflicted, difficult relationship, became ill and moved toward a dying process. Although she initially dreaded an upcoming visit with her mom, she deliberately decided to change her approach and adopt a new attitude. When sitting at her mother’s bedside, she chose to be mindful. She let her mind rest with her breathing and bring her awareness into the present moment. She let go of her usual self-talk and choose to be a beginner. She rested in a state of having no idea who her mother truly was and what might unfold. She chose to draw on the skill of reflective listening. She told me the experience changed her life. She reported having the most heartfelt, intimate conversation with her mom that she never dreamed possible. Without sharing details, she said she experienced new insights and understood her mom in new ways. She felt a closer connection between them and a peace that she will carry for the rest of her life. She felt loved. She also reported that without being introduced to beginner’s mind, a willingness to be curious and listen as if for the first time, she would have walked into her mother’s room with their history of hurt and misunderstandings swirling in her mind, blinding her to the experience of connection and love that was possible.
I was so moved by her story, it inspired me to reflect on my own relationships and see, especially with family members, how I might view them, not as the complex, changing people they are, but through the lens of my childhood, fixing them in a story that is limiting, of my own making and that may not reflect who they are today. I have adopted my patient’s approach on many occasions in relationships where I felt I had a potentially limiting fixed view of a person based on past interactions. I have not had a profound experience like my patient’s, but I have felt openings, an aliveness in interactions and even a deeper acceptance and connection with some people. I am reminded we are all constantly changing.